Bezirk  in Berlin© – 41: January 20, 2013
WHAT GERMANS DO FOR FUN
In addition to engaging in a competition to see who can toss their Christmas tree the farthest, Germans have some other pretty amazing sports:
- Nude bowling in Bavaria
Over to Bavaria and a nude bowling alley run by an Englishman, where we are treated to full frontal (and rear) nude bowlers of both sexes. The owner claims it is much better to be active than sun bathing in a fenced in nudist colony. Across the Salzach river from Berghausen Castle in Bavaria, and just inside Austria, is the Landhotel Moorhof in Franking [www.moorhof.com], where as part of the ‘wellness’programme, Paul strips off when he visits the hot tub room. There are wooden beer barrels made into hot tubs. Either singles or couples relax in hot tubs of bubbling beer extract, yeast and hops. The attendant gives you a cold stein of bier. You chat with your neighbours and refresh your stein with a beer tap above your tub. After getting out and drying each other with large white towels, the attendant leads everyone up to the bedroom and a giant bed of straw where you can relax, sleep, or romp in the bed with the other guests.
Who is the “Smartest Toughest Guy” in Berlin?
The Chess Boxing Club Berlin asks showdown: who is the smartest and the toughest guy in Berlin? The 4th Berlin Chessboxing Championships on 28th July 2012 in the newly opened “Platoon” – instead of Halle in Berlin Mitte. It is the most unusual, surprising sporting event of the year. … a main battle where the smartest, toughest guys of the “Chess Boxing Club Berlin” prove their intelligence in the ring and their repartee on the chessboard.
WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT WHAT KIND OF A PERSON I AM?
OK. I log onto Amazon. And you know how Amazon makes recommendations based on what you buy yourself and on what other people who buy what you buy have bought? Well, here’s the recommendation Amazon made for me – Inflatable Unicorn Hat for Cats. I’m fascinated that anyone (other than Dr. Seuss ) has the temerity to spend the time, energy, and money to develop and market a product based on a fusion of the concepts of “hat” and “cat.”
Even I couldn’t make THIS up!!
A MYSTERY OF PORCINE PROPORTIONS
Germans flat out LOVE their pigs! The even have a museum to pigs:
Stuttgart’s Schweine Museum it seems is the largest pig museum in the world, with more than 37,000 sculptures, prints, paintings and documents from all around the globe covering all manner of pig facts.
They do everything imaginable with pork, the Divine Swine. Cut it 8 million different ways, for example. Often when I look in the meat case, I can’t even recognize what part of the pig I’m seeing. They make all sorts of sausages and lunch meats. They even eat pigs’ feet. They cook it 8 different ways from Sunday. They make marzipan into pigs. (I once found 3 marzipan pigs arranged in positions that are illegal in at least 43 States. Yes – pornographic pigs!) And yet, in this Land of the Pork Lovers, nowhere can I find a ham! I had pretty much assumed that I would not be able to find the ham we traditionally have had for New Year’s Day for decades – a Honey-Baked ham – but I thought surely I could find a plain ol’ ham. Nope! Not gonna happen!
NOTES TO SELF
- The letters on the keyboard are NOT in alphabetical order.
- When you replace worn-out letters on your keyboard, it is VERY important to put the new letters on the right keys (even if you touch-type).
PROGNOSTICATION FOR 2013
I predict that, for the entire year of 2013, I’m going to be abysmally confused. How do I know this? Because of my calendar. I bought exactly the same calendar I bought last year (except, of course, presumably, the dates on the calendar are for 2013). My 2012 calendar had the week beginning on Sunday (which is something that all right-thinking folks do). My 2013 calendar has the week beginning on MONDAY! Who in their right mind would do THAT??!! AARRGGHH!!
From time to time, a message appears at the top of my g-mail that offers recycling info, such as “Did you know that it takes 30% less water to make paper from re-cycled paper?” Today’s recycling hint is:
You can make a lovely hat out of previously used aluminum foil.
I think I’ll disregard this hint – I have quite enough trouble with folks doubting my sanity as it is. I’m surprised they didn’t add to this that such hats can also keep aliens from reading your thoughts! And I’d really like to see what some folks might come up with in the way of aluminum foil hats!
GOTTA LOVE IT!
I recently bought something on Amazon.de [the German site], from one of those external sellers. I was asked to rate the service from this vendor. Here were my choices (in English):
Often these automated translators come up with not-quite-right translations, so these options may be the result of a machine’s understanding of the language. Also, on THIS side of the pond, British English is the standard, so that can sometimes make things even more bizarre from the American perspective. However, it would be pretty cool if the poorest rating a vendor can get is ‘miserable.’
Well, it seems that I have a fellow traveler, except it’s a man, and he’s English…
An English Man in Berlin (http://englishmaninberlin.wordpress.com)
SURE DO HOPE THE FOLKS AT THE NEXT TABLE WEREN’T LISTENING
Jaton’: I bought some candles today, but they’re too big for the brass candlesticks.
Harvey: Well, we can put them in the dogs.
Jaton’: Yeah, we can do that.
Imagine what might come to mind if you heard this and you didn’t realize that we have a pair of terra cotta Mexican Chihuahua candle holders. As if the concept of a pair of terra cotta Mexican Chihuahua candle holders isn’t sufficiently bizarre on its own….
When I had to work for a living, I always enjoyed the time I spent at the spa. I didn’t go nearly so often as I would have liked, but that was more a time problem than a money problem. Now, of course, I have all the time in the world, but, given that I’m not sure when I’m gonna die, I’m a bit reluctant to spend money on such frivolities. However, William has come to my rescue—as I lie on the sofa, watching TV, despite the many demands on his time, William will devote a significant amount of time to exfoliating my feet. And, if Electra is feeling particularly generous, she will hop up on the sofa and devote her time to grooming my hair. Sometimes I get both treatments simultaneously! And all I have to do in return for this service is to provide them room, board, and medical care for their entire lives!
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE SOUND OF A POOPER-SCOOPER BEING DRAGGED THROUGH LITTER…
…that stimulates a cat to come use the litter box? Is it because he’s so fastidious that he’s been holding it all this time, just waiting for a ‘fresh bowl’? Or does he somehow fear, or abhor, the absence of the most pungent evidence of his presence on this earth and is therefore compelled to replace it immediately? Or is it more insidious, and part of his larger plan to thwart his loyal servants’ every effort ?
Fastidious in felines is something that every cat person hopes for. Alas, there are cases when it can backfire and who better to make that point than William, the Wonder Cat? William (who will soon be 2 [or 25 in human years]) considers the toilet habits of Ms. Electra (who will soon be 13 [or 69 in human years]) totally unsatisfactory. There is, alas, some basis for his assessment. For example, sometimes Electra fails to cover her excrement, as most right-thinking cats would do. Not someone who simply looks the other way when he finds something not to his liking, William often cleans up after Electra. First, sometimes when she goes to the litter box, he scurries to the litter box and stares at her as she goes about her business. No doubt, he wants to compensate for her lat of attention to detail as soon as possible, before the fragrance of her excrement wafts throughout the entire flat. As you can imagine, having someone stare at you while you’re doing your business is not something that is remotely desirable. Consequently, there is much hissing and snarling during this time, and it’s not unreasonable to assume that this is one reason Electra hurriedly exits the box without covering up her leavings to William’s satisfaction. In any case, William often goes into the box and spends no small amount of energy digging and covering and God-only-know-what-all else in there. He often over-compensates, piling huge mounds of litter at the front of the box. As you know, every action has an equal and opposite reaction (or so they tell me). In this case, it’s apparently true, because whenever Electra returns to the litter box and finds the litter piled far too high at the front of the box, she just hangs her butt a bit outside the box and empties what has got to be a disproportionately large bladder for such a small cat on the rug under the litter box. We have tried clarifying for her that the concept is “Thinking outside the box” rather than “Pissing outside the box”—but inasmuch as Ms. Electra is not one much given to “thinking”, her understanding of this concept has to be manifested in something that has meaning for her, and apparently “pissing” fits the bill.
IF ONLY THIS WOULD COME TO PASS
Some cats can be trained to use the toilet instead of the litter box. Imagine how much money we could save in kitty litter if we could train both William and Electra to do this! And, it might have a side benefit of preventing Ms. Electra from pissing outside the box (as the provocation of unacceptably-arranged kitty litter would be removed). However, any cost-benefit analysis would have to take into account William’s propensity for turning perfectly useful toilet paper into confetti.
 ‘Bezirk’ is German for ‘neighborhood.’